Kids and Music Lessons

Kids and Music Lessons

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What should you do when your child does not want to practice, or wants to stop music lessons altogether?

Each child is an individual and there is no one correct way to handle this issue. Only you as a parent are in a position to make that judgment call, and hope that it is the right one for your child.

The following excerpt from the Family and Home Network web site offers various perspectives on this topic.

Problems and Solutions: Kids and Music Lessons

Problem:

My seven-year-old son has been playing the violin for about eight months. This was his idea, and all went well for the first six months. Now daily practice is a chore. He still enjoys the lessons, and accepts the instructor's constructive criticism. He doesn't always fit in ten minutes of practice a day, though, and when I try to "help" with practice, it is not well received. Should we take a break and quit lessons for a while? Or should we stick it out, and should I insist on daily practice?

Diane B., Asburn, Virginia

Solutions:

Studying an instrument is something that I have chosen for my children, an important decision I made for each one of them. It's not a decision that I left up to the children any more than I would allow them to choose what school to attend or what church to join. They know that taking lessons and practicing daily are things they have to do, just like doing their school work, so they don't argue with me when it's time to practice. It is a necessary part of daily life. Continue your son's lessons and sit with him while he practices each day. Your presence during his practice will show him how important you think it is to learn the violin, and it will keep him focused on playing.

Nancy B. - Glen Ellyn, Illinois

The Suzuki method of teaching emphasizes the importance of listening to music and practicing every day. Our daughter knows that if she doesn't practice, lessons will stop. She is not allowed to play unless the things that must be done are completed. We play the Suzuki music tape often. We play audio and videotapes of classical music that are beautiful and child-friendly, such as Peter and the Wolf, Fantasia and The Nutcracker. There is also a group of wonderful tapes produced by Classical Kids. Is your son making progress? He needs to go over old pieces and improve the tempo, tones and emotions. It is not enough to know the notes by heart. Is the violin the right instrument for him?

Toba W. - Stevensville , Montana

Is your son talented at playing the violin? Ask his teacher for an honest opinion. Every child is different, but let him take a break and see if he misses the violin. After all, he is only seven. It took our son a summer off to breathe and think it through. Then we pursued at the start of school. He now loves the piano. I never have to make him practice.

Sabine K. - Washington, D.C.

Please don't quit your son's violin lessons! Some days we have great practices, and other days we have temper tantrums and tears. Practice time goes better if I concentrate more on the positive things my daughter is doing, and gently remind her of the things she needs to correct. We both seem to have a better attitude with that approach.

The other challenge is to make practice interesting and different each time. With some imagination, you can invent games and challenges your son will enjoy. For example, let your child create his own audience. Have him take a stuffed animal or toy out of the toy box to "listen" to his practice each time he plays a song. He also might enjoy deciding which songs, and in what order, he will practice them. Sometimes being in control makes a child more cooperative.

Terry S. - Shelby, North Carolina

Even if your goal is to have a concert violinist in the family, people succeed at what they enjoy. Let him decide whether to continue the lessons.

We all need activities we enjoy as a release from the tensions of life. It doesn't work to micromanage each other's hobbies. Seven-year-olds need to putter and play and explore different activities. They need leisure time, and they need to feel secure and unhurried, at least some of the time.

Your son's behavior seems normal. Children grow and learn in spurts. Periods of rapid learning are normally followed by dormant times. Children need that dormant time to rest, settle in and collect energy for another burst of learning new things.

Meredith M. - Martinez, California

My husband and I both play instruments. We think music education helps our kids in school with math and memorizing facts. We require them to practice every day for a minimum of thirty minutes. We sit with them the entire time and usually play along on our instruments. This has meant a huge time commitment from all of us.

Decide for yourself how important a music education is for your child. Does your child show talent? Is he deriving any pleasure from the violin?

I keep in mind how hard it is to be proficient on an instrument with constant critical feedback from a teacher or parent. So I emphasize how well they are doing and let the teacher do the correcting.

Cheryl R. - Overland Park, Kansas

The lesson of diligence is important. The reward system works well with externally motivated children. Recently our studio sponsored a 100 days of practice contest. The goal was 100 successive days of practice -- or practice only on the days you eat. After the 100th day, there was a party with prizes and a trip to an amusement park. This worked well for the entire studio.

The type of music directly influences the amount of time my children practice. My daughter enjoys fiddle music and although she plays concertos now, a new fiddle tune to learn inspires her to practice. Demonstrating for peers is a big push, too. My children have taken their instruments to school to show their classmates who are really impressed. This has created a bit of swagger in my son, not a bad thing, and encouraged him to practice so he can show a harder tune next year. I recommend the book Nurtured by Love by Suzuki.

Lisa L. G. - Marietta, Georgia

As a mom of three young violinists, I know the first year is the most difficult. Some ideas: pick slips from a hat telling what to practice. Include some silly things like playing a certain piece standing backward on the toilet. Be strolling musicians. Prepare a concert for Grandma's visit. We don't practice every day and we still progress. Avoid the stress of forced practice.

Jayne R. - Fall Creek, Wisconsin

The solution that worked for my son was something I said I'd NEVER do. I paid him to practice. But there was a catch. He also had to pay for his lessons. If he practiced two-and-a-half hours a week, he broke even. Any amount over and above that he got paid the agreed upon amount. No nagging or hassling. He is now fourteen and in his fifth year of lessons -- last year he represented our county at the state music teachers' conference.

We require him to take lessons at least until eighth grade. That way he'll have a skill that he can develop later if he wants. It has shown him that any expertise comes with time, hard work and perseverance.

Cindy W. - Whitefish, Montana

I found a teacher willing to give my daughter a lesson whenever there is a cancellation in the teacher's regular schedule. This teacher is very low-key. I try to book her every other week. It works out well, because we don't have that pressure of daily practice.

When my daughter complains about practicing a new song, I encourage her to go back to the easier pieces she knows and plays well.

Lorraine M. - Manhasset, New York

Don't give up. My family's Suzuki instructor says: "Support them in it as you support them in brushing their teeth." We have had just over four years of stress and delight. From one week to the next, an exclamation of "I love violin" may change to "I HATE violin." Find a balance that keeps discipline and allows your child to be challenged without being overwhelmingly pressured.

You will wonder whether you are continuing with your son's lessons more for him or for yourself. When your son resists efforts to help him with practice, this is a time to set some guidelines and leave the room. When you resist the urge to interfere, you allow him to own his music. His good practices and his bad ones will be his own. If you are a calm parent who can step back and let the storms pass, and smile with him in his moments of sunshine, your son will grow with his music, a blessed partner in his life.

Leslie L. - Port Townsend, Washington

Practice slumps are natural. Instead of forcing daily practice, ask the teacher or consult Suzuki books for ideas to motivate him by turning practice time into a game. This takes extra work, but it pays off and prevents power struggles. Some ideas we've borrowed from Suzuki are to tape her playing, have her give a concert for friends and family, spell out words using the letters given to the strings and play them, and creating her own compositions.

Use a sticker chart for practice times with musical rewards, for example, let your son earn a night out to a youth orchestra performance. Seeing other children play well may be inspirational.

Another motivation for my social daughter is to play music with other children. The local Suzuki forum creates opportunities for informal concerts. You might seek or start a group like this with your teacher's support. Our teacher helps children get together to play and learn by giving group lessons once or twice a month.

Consider the teacher your son has and how oriented to younger children he or she is. Fine technical teachers who are great for older, motivated children are not always the best choice for younger ones.

Lisa R. - Covington, Louisiana

My son is learning that when he practices, he makes more progress at his lessons, and the violin teacher is quick to point out, "I can tell you've been practicing!" Progress and praise are proving the most effective motivation for practice.

As for the problem with parental involvement, at first my son wanted no comments from me during practice. But his teacher explained that since she couldn't coach him every day, I was her substitute. Now during practice I'm the teacher, not Mom, and it works great.

Cathy I. - Austin, Texas

As a child who was pushed to study piano I suggest taking a break from violin lessons. I resented my parents for making me practice, but worse, began to dislike playing the piano entirely and eventually refused to play at all. Tell your son that he doesn't have to study music if he doesn't want to, but the only way to learn and improve in any area is through lessons and daily practice. Putting the lessons on hold doesn't mean that your son has to stop playing at all; but he should be the one to make that choice.

Let your son know that he may start again when he is ready and willing to make the commitment to practicing daily. See how it goes for a few weeks. If he doesn't touch the violin or express any disappointment in leaving the lessons behind, he isn't ready to pursue this further. If he begins to practice, then you know he's doing so for the love of learning and of music.

Anne M. - Langhorne, Pennsylvania

When I was growing up, each night after dinner my mother would ask, "Are you going to do the dishes, or are you going to practice now?" To no one's surprise, I always decided that practicing piano was better than cleaning up the kitchen! A friend discovered a good technique to avoid nagging about practice time -- she found that if she sat down at the piano and began picking out some tunes, her daughter would soon appear and announce, "Hey, Mom, I want a turn too." With my own daughter, if I start playing some of her favorite music on the piano, she will often decide to find her flute and join in. Once the flute is in her hands, she is much more likely to practice

Laura J. - Vienna, VA

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